and all the things that you never ever told me

..new lj =done....

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 21:38:46 GMT

this lj is officially dead add this shit of_bitter_blood

...breath..

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 03:58:38 GMT

the way people have sympathy for those who dont deserve it sickens me,the way people think they have problems and feel the need to display them sickens me even more.

im in a horrible mood.

just tired i think .

my brain is confused lately it doesnt know how to react to the way it feels like when it reaches a level of discomfort where it should wanna cry it laughs ,i wonder how much it really wants to hide,probably all,and i dont even know why its like this im so different now towards everyone . i atually yelled at someone today.i usually let it go but everything is just pileing up in me and theres no where for it to go so it like explodes.

im not gonna be here this weekend at all thank god.Im spending the weekend at ginas ,i have to do some confirmation religious bullshit at saint philips and i told my mother it would be easier for me to sleep at ginas cause she lives closer.i really just didnt wanna be near wayne this weekend in reality.i wanna leave. so now im staying at other peoples houses untill i can.this is gonna be like a vacation for me i can say whatever the flying fuck i want and gina wont give a fuck cause i dont give a fuck if she says something totally irrational,we understand each other, it feels good.she just understands my mentality most others cant,maybe lauren and one other person can.

about that other person,iv been thinking about telling them i have something for them,iv actually sorta liked him b4 mike ,but i wasnt sure if i did after mike,now i think i do,im not sure if i should say anything yet,maybe not because i really cant get into anything right now im to confused for anyone elses good.soon though after a while,i hope they feel similiar .i may just wait to see what becomes of everything maybe i wont need to say anything.hopefully i wont need to say anything.

lauren goes in for surgery on monday.i hope everything goes okay.I LOVE HER TO DEATH!

...poem... maybe..

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 03:28:36 GMT

i saw it today
it fell
from the sky
into my lap
shades of purple
hoped to mix black in
smiled instead

someone asked
finally like i knew
they would
pretending
i was fine
she noticed though
heard it in my laugh ,she said
sounded like i was on crack ,she said
"just cracked"

i replied

calmly like i knew it would happen
entirely true
believing is different
believing a lie
always nice
in my head it was fine

"im not the type for suicide"

not the type to stand up straight
cry,and hit the floor much harder then i had
origionally intended
not the type

not the type to cut to the bone
not the type
never alone
i felt it again
burnt a hole through
my rotting corpse
and the voice it said
i won

shes balanced now
adorable
shes balanced now
unbarable
shes balanced now
my empathy

please give my condolenses to her

it ran down
my face
into my mouth
like you promised it would
the night before
and you loved it

i finally saw it today
fell from the stars
into my eyes
sank deep in my mind
ill never spill out
the big picture

.. edit..

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 03:48:58 GMT

If you be my star, I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine

You can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you'll be my boat, I'll be your sea
The depth of pure blue just to probecuriousity
Ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free, I live to make you free

And you can set sail to the west if you want to
Past the horizon til I can't even see you
Far from here where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake to remember you by

If you be my star, I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine

You can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

Stardust to remember you by

just when i think its time to give up ,something clicks and nothing wrong because i wont be here forever.

... just leave me your star dust to remember you by...

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 23:39:18 GMT

okay

i only have a couple things to say b4 i finish the other lj and switch over most likely make it friends only.

so you have so many girls to fuckin choose from and you choose to fuck me up . mother fuck .yeah i gave you a shot and why because i thought you were amazing i thought you would be last person to hurt me .but i was dead fucking wrong and i know i wasnt there i know how one sided everything is but you didnt want it to get better and why because you just needed someone to make you feel special but you never once thought about me . not once and now im wondering what i did wrong to make you so god damn confused that i cant get a god damn answer out of anyone about what the fuck happened.yeah i guess im supposed to know but i dont and no one cares

i dont want another line fed to me .im tired of feeling stupid,im tired of feeling like i dont belong,and im tired of not being good enough for myself,im tired of being angry at myself,im tired of loving someone who never cared,im stupid for letting go of something i wanted to have b4 i dated the perfect person ,im tired of looking at that person everyday and thinking why cant we pick it up again,and im soo tired of being lied too .

mother fucking rant fghdjshjdhgrjhtbtghtrbgurefoiqewedwfhbgvrefjfewirhd32yy83cdnugfdbcv

shitttttt mother fuckerrrrrrr
i want to run around out side and die right now!
i still love someone i shouldnt love so much .
and i want it to stop and it wont .

..i live to let you shine...

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 03:42:21 GMT

i heard the most beautiful song iv ever heard in my life today.

i feel the most beautiful i have ever felt in my life right now.

and im not sure why.

today was bad .

but tommorow wont be better and thats okay.

iv decided when the time is right im leaving,to go somewhere where i feel alright.

i thought alot today and i didnt tell anyone about it and thats what i needed.

i love mike , and im letting him go 1. cause i dont wanna fight it out 2. hes happier this way .

i feel really good right now.

If you be my star, I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
You can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

(gregory and the hawk)boats and birds

fun in the sun

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 14:46:10 GMT

no actually i had fun without the sun i lied.

yesterday lauren came over we walked around went to neils and school.then we called gina and looked for movie listings.being there was nothing good playing we did what most kids do when plans fail ,raid the mall.So after we picked up my sister and gina we finally got there.Ate and what not.Ran into krystle and some others that was entertaining .went to fun in games got harrassed by ghetto kids.i hate how ghetto kids hit on me i want them to go away.Of course gina laughed at it but i blushed and ran. i also had some dumb ghetto kids asking if "i wanted to have a party" for my birthday.I was just like um no.I will find my own drug dealer dont you worry about it .FAGET ASSES!I saw the new I AM GHost album its 8 dollars i must buy it.soon

its cold ..very.
i may invite someone over later cause i have like nothing to do and my parents are going out for the 4th fucking saterday in a row.god they hate me.

...this is gonna be gay so get ready...

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 23:11:41 GMT

i made a new journal its not up yet so ill tell you when it is.

iv been thinking about alot of stuff lately .mostly pertaining to how stupid i am.but im over that now like iv accepted alot but not all .

i just miss things about mike like little things nothing big ,like the way his hair is in his face all the time and he fails to get it out regardless of how hard he trys,or how hes always hot and he opens the window knowing full well he will be cold a couple seconds later, the extra sound his tongue makes when he clicks it quite annoyingly,the way his pants jingle from the keys,like just stuff i got used to fast and im gonna miss it . im even gonna miss the romb zombie obsession even though i dont quite find him amazing.

i dont know maybe im just fighting the inevitable.but i miss him alot.and saying that isnt gonna bring him back but i needed to say it .

this is one of the lamest entries ... iv ever read or written

...last entry...

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:34:24 GMT

i think im killing this journal
and making a new one
further news later

...dont mve so slow...

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 14:04:47 GMT

i am obsessed with tegan and sarah.

so me and mike are finished.that so wasnt worth it,i really didnt need to get hurt right now.AS a matter of fact thats really the last thing i needed.Hurt by others hurting myself all the same who gives a fuck.so now i have to go through the process of changing everything.like all my away messages that say i love mike on them and lovely shit like that.more to remind me of my stupidity.i knew i didnt need a relationship right now but i did it to make someone else happy and failed miserably at it.

i like it better just with me anyway.but now i have memories that i plan on wiping out of my head as soon as tommorow.i dont think ill ever be able to even talk to him again.i cant remember the last time i was hurt this bad.....actually no i lied i can.but that was worth it ,i got alot out of that relationship . now i feel stupid and lied to and mad at myself.and i dont hate mike which is the worst part cause i cant do it,he doesnt give a shit either way but i cant do it.

i dont even wanna be me anymore.thats what i thought about last night(if any of yoy havent figured it out i obviously didnt sleep).okay mariella what are you gonna do with your life now?you have no one and nothing going for you what are you gonna do ,you stupid bitch you fucked it up again.

about 4 hours b4 i was dumped this came spewing out,sure i felt it comming:

The Race

it plays
soft into me
tears crashing
i cant feel a thing
and your so close
but distanced
deep inside
moving slowly
dragging
away
and im drowning out
the noise and the crowd
knife and shouts
not a sound
leaving it all
i hope you bolt

...she did pot,dumb bitch...

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 00:18:24 GMT

i love gina,tori lauren and steve x a frillion and 30000000 right now.

they have been the ones keeping me alive lately .
i would not be alive with out them im almost positive.

today was amazing.
i went to laurens to work on the photo project .It was absolutly fantastic.I am so intrigued about becoming a serial killer now.I got to kill steve ! yay!!not to mention with a big ass knife.
then we ran around poking each other and watching lauren and steve play video games.It was alot of fun actually the most fun iv had in a very long time.im really happy i got to hang out with some one this weekend . hopefully gina will be alive next weekend and we can go to a show or something.

...i will not scream inside my head and let it isolate me...

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 01:27:53 GMT

okay today sucked ass.

this morning was shit.I had assitant teaching my foot was killing me some little girl fell off the bench and hit her head.she cried the whole fucking class.i felt bad for her and all but if she actually listened to us about how to sit on the bench then she would not have hurt herself.so i picked her up and held her for the whole hour.then this other adorable little girl had an accident and there was pee all over the fucking floor .it was not pretty .nore a soothing environment to be in early on a saterday morning when you would much rather be with your boyfriend and instead end up with screaming children.
I had another class later on that i was actually looking foward to taking because its my turn to learn not teach but my foot hurt way to much and my mom said no,so i sat there for an hour and a half waiting.
now my parents are out with friends and im stuck home with my sister once again on a saterday night.why do i suck so bad?

i miss mike ,like alot... wish i was with him right now...but its my fault im not i basically always do an amazing job at fucking myself over.

...i think im dumb..

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 03:33:36 GMT

iv been odd
lately
very.

and im not sure why.
I feel really out of it and uncared about but its in my head.

and im really scared

almost everything is going downhill.

i think im dumb or maybe just happy
i guess im just happy.

..the sun is gone but i have a light..

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 03:18:28 GMT

++++++halloween was amazing!

went out with sasha laurena nad steve.

I love them sooo much. I have the most fun when im around them.
We ran around and collected toilet paper from trees and screeched and sang christmas carols.I kept punching steve i dont think he minded much though.

I have like a shit load of candy

------ i had to get my toe operated on today .
its like nasty and gory.I wasnt expecting to have an operation but i dont know what happened.He was like we need to cut and pull the peice out thats making it infected.So after 3 novicane shots and enough blood for me to handel i only have to take antibiotic ,pain killers,and pour this solution on the bandage.This bandage wont come off tell next monday.I cant dance this week obviously.Maybe next.

im like mad tired

good night all.

...you are a lie...

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 14:55:30 GMT

okay yeah im tired

the gathering was okay still pretty boring i dont exactly regret having it or anything but i wanted it to be a whole lot better.

my uncle made this awesome ice carving . it was a lemonade fountain pretty amazing.to bad you have to break it apart after its all over.

i love my friends x a frilion and 74837467546989409098387276
and i love my mike x a frilion and 74783784745758695686709968437732908045

...pretty people never lie....

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 19:10:50 GMT

yeah...

cindys party was last night.It was pretty happy.House of wax = amazingly stupid yet thrillingly entertaining movie.

i have my stupid gathering tonight.I dont want to have it! why do i do dumb things like this ?its gonna suck .

k my computer is being a huge shit today i wish it would just be alive again.

i wish gina and mary were comming tonight.its always fun with tori and i but i miss gina and mary like alot i miss the four of us being together.

to bad steve cant come ,o well .

i guess the less people the better considering the family is gonna be here.The definition of insanity is gathering at my house to battle me face to face this very evening.im gonna loose.badly.

...i wish you could see the world through my eyes,dont say its the same,i just wanna live again...

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 20:05:54 GMT

i am bored
very

i went to emphasis today .
it was happy.
we had fun.
Mr.Henry wants me to submit something for emphasis maybe i will later.
I have Cindys party tommorow im excited.

I think im going anyway .

No homework = yay.

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 23:05:29 GMT

* im fighting with my parents
* to the point where i wanna die
*im so emo im tired of it
*im tired of me
*no ones comming to my party
*besides krystle,tony,lauren,and tori
*i hate all people
*my parents hate me
*its seems iv "changed" again
*i have no tolerance for anyone
*and im hurting everyone i love

tell me this will get better someday and that im not the only one to blame.

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 02:59:39 GMT

i got into an arguement with the parentals.

fuck sunday

you wonder why i keep beating myself up ,because im hoping it will feel so good not to.

...i have an english paper to write,arent there better things to do on sunday...

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 21:20:23 GMT

friday = alright ,school sucked as usual.Hung out with mike after.Went home picked out something to wear for 2 freakin hours (my idesicisiveness shining through perticularly bright).then went to the mall with mike and lauren.That was intertaining.

saturday = horrific, i had assistant teaching at dance world from 11:15 to 1:15 .Then filled in for Radara from 1:15 to 2:15.My parents went out at night so i invited gina over .I basically screamed at her for 3 hours about how she wasnt comming to my party because she "forgot" about a sweet six teen party she was already going to and then to top it off she says sorry.I did not want to hear sorry.Cause when people say sorry they dont mean it .I hardly ever really mean sorry when i say it .
so hardly any of my closest friends are comming to my party.I feel more loved now then ever.no i dont feel bad for making others feel bad .Why? because if it where their party i would make sure i was there unless i told them ahead of time i couldnt go like in marys or steves case .no instead i get 5 days notice.after iv been saying it for almost a month.

today= happy,went out with my dad and my sister.We went to A & S ,then a train shop in parsipanny picked up a really nice model my dad has been having them hold since forever and some track .Hopefully we will start the train room soon.The i begged for Mc Donalds so Daddy got me and my sister fries.Yum. Next we went to a bike shop also in parsipanny to pick up some cleaner for the classic Bianci.Now i really have to do my english 5 paragraph research paper.It should take long i should have to put intext citations in a bullshit.

I may just cancel the stupid party i mean i only have like 5 people comming. Krystle,Tony,Mike,Lauren and Tori.Its gonna suck anyway.

... soon ill fade away..

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 21:21:41 GMT

i feel like shit

and i dont know why

very odd indeed

gina is comming over today

9 more entries tell this thing goes to hell

,go fuck yourself,

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 22:38:15 GMT

yeah its saturday night .

what am i doing ?
sitting home .

my parents are going out.
I cant go anywhere cause my sister is home.
i was gonna go to the mall with lauren and mike .
and now im stuck sitting home eating left over pizza and watching cartoons.

waste of a perfectly good weekend.

o i know maybe ill do some homework.

I really wanna die right now.

...we have a fucked up reason to live who really gives a fuck...

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 02:49:59 GMT

im bored....
very.

i babysat tonight.
now i have nothing to do .
talking to mark online is the only thing saving me from complete and utter insanity .
Im sooo bored.
I made a 20 dollar bill .
YAY!

I HAVE NO LIFE!
GOOD GOD!

....hi ,im a penis head...

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 23:53:33 GMT

i have 218 entries on this peice of crap
after 230 its going to hell.

this weekend was mary's band competition despite major flooding and wettness it was fun happy and insane.I love my friends so much .<3333333333333333
iv been such a neglectful girlfriend lately.
Ill have to make it up to mike somehow one of these days.

i got my hHlloween costume today ,i think i may have a party after all and actually go trick or treating on Halloween .

...hey dude i could buy and sell this place...

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 22:05:50 GMT

today was alright.
Geometry can go die.

i hung out with mike and others after school it was much fun.

im making a new peice of shit journal.i hate this one soooooo much .
It needs to DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE